Saturday, 6 December 2008

The Alliums from outer space!

Alliums at the Bothy. From left, David, Jo, Phil and Peter.

Our boss Jo has been hard at work making the Alien dolls, each one representing a member of the gardening staff. A second prototype UFO is still waiting to leave the drawing board, flashing dog collar and metal dustbin lids are in the offing. With such fine work and dedication having gone into making these cheeky little Aliens, I felt that it was only right that they were given a little back story. So if you are sitting comfortably, I shall tell you all a little story about the four Alliums that live on the Planet 'Pati pan Squash' in the 'Aster Andenken an Alma Potschke' star system. Having been shunned by their fellow Alliums and sent away to an isolated corner of the planet, overlooking the 'Arando donax' nebula, they live out their days studying a cache of rare artifacts brought back from Planet Earth. The story goes that a group of teenage Alliums were accidentally sucked into a giant Wormhole in the space time continuum, whilst killing time chucking moon rocks at the 'Argoos' delivery ships. After recovering from a temporary spell of blindness, incurred after being exposed to an unknown light source within a large sunken roundabout at a place called Luton, they ventured further afield with the hope of finding out more about this strange grey and primitive land. What they found was a country in the grip of the late 1970s. John Travolta was wooing the too pure to be a 'Pink Lady', Olivia Newton John in the film 'Grease', which had the school kids queuing round the block for multiple viewings, and families crowded round the TV watching 'Butterflies', 'Some Mother's Do 'Ave Em', 'The Generation Game' and 'Wonder Woman'. Adapting to the primitive ways of these simple folks, they gorged themselves on Fish and Chips and flat beer before returning to Pati pan Squash. With much excitement they tried to share their tall tales and many souvenirs that they had brought back from Earth. Unfortunately for them it did not impress the evil Lord 'Vinca Major', who was both wary and frightened of the possible effects that these discoveries may have to life on Pati pan Squash, and so they were banished to an off planet lunatic asylum and never heard from again. Years later, alone in a spiritual quest for absolute knowledge of Earth in the 1970s, the four Alliums, Jo, David, Phil and Peter were happily absorbed in their daily prays to a mighty Deity, the gardener's gardener, Geoff Hamilton, listening to Boney M, playing Atari video games, reading comics, role playing as Council gardeners and watching hours and hours of television. Until one day, Phil, who had been blessed with extra olfactory perception, picked up on the smell of toast coming up through the Wormhole. Following Phil's keen nose, they boarded a spaceship made from the salvaged parts of Morris Minors, Minis and Bubble cars, the 'SS Begonia Non Stop!' and set off in hot pursuit of an Earthly breakfast. They were led directly to the door of the infamous 'Bothy'. The mischievous adventures of this little team of Alliums it would seem, has only just begun!

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